Preheat and prep: Heat the oven to 375°F (190°C). Grease a 9x13-inch baking dish or similar casserole pan.
Crisp the bacon: In a large skillet over medium heat, cook the chopped bacon until crisp.
Transfer to a paper towel-lined plate. Leave 1–2 teaspoons of bacon fat in the skillet and discard the rest, or save for another recipe.
Sauté aromatics: Add the diced onion to the skillet and cook until softened and lightly golden, 4–5 minutes. Stir in the garlic and cook 30 seconds until fragrant.
Brown the beef: Add ground beef.
Cook, breaking it up, until no longer pink. If the pan looks dry, add a little butter. Drain excess fat if very greasy, but leave a bit for flavor.
Season the meat: Stir in mustard, sugar-free ketchup, Worcestershire (if using), smoked paprika, onion powder, salt, and pepper.
Simmer 1–2 minutes to meld flavors. Taste and adjust seasoning.
Make the creamy blend: In a bowl, whisk eggs, heavy cream, and softened cream cheese until mostly smooth. Small specks of cream cheese are fine.
Mix in 1 cup of the shredded cheddar.
Assemble: Spread the beef mixture evenly in the prepared baking dish. Pour the egg-cheese mixture over the top, letting it seep into the meat.
Top and bake: Sprinkle the remaining 1 cup cheddar over the casserole. Bake 18–22 minutes, until the center is just set and the edges are bubbling.
The top should be melted and lightly golden.
Add the “loaded” finish: Rest 5 minutes. Scatter crisp bacon, chopped pickles, and green onions across the top. Add optional sesame seeds for burger vibes.
Serve: Slice into squares.
For a true cheeseburger feel, top servings with shredded lettuce and a slice of tomato. A drizzle of sugar-free ketchup or a little hot sauce is great, too.