Preheat the oven: Set to 375°F (190°C). Grease a 9x13-inch baking dish or similar casserole pan.

Crisp the bacon: In a large skillet over medium heat, cook chopped bacon until crispy. Remove with a slotted spoon and set aside. Leave about 1 tablespoon of bacon fat in the skillet and discard the rest.

Sauté aromatics: Add the diced onion to the skillet and cook 3–4 minutes until softened. Stir in garlic and cook 30 seconds, just until fragrant.

Brown the beef: Add ground beef to the skillet. Season with smoked paprika, onion powder, ground mustard, salt, and pepper. Cook, breaking up the meat, until browned and no longer pink, about 6–8 minutes. Drain excess grease if needed.

Stir in flavor boosters: Mix in Worcestershire (or coconut aminos). If using optional vegetables like mushrooms or zucchini, add them now and cook until any moisture cooks off. You want the mixture fairly dry to avoid a watery casserole.

Make the “crack” sauce: In a bowl, whisk together cream cheese, mayonnaise, sugar-free ketchup, dill pickle relish, and heavy cream until smooth. If the cream cheese is too firm, microwave it for 10–15 seconds to soften.

Combine and layer: Stir half of the shredded cheddar into the beef mixture, then fold in the cooked bacon (reserve a little for topping if you like). Spread the beef evenly in the baking dish. Pour the sauce over the top and gently spread it to the edges.

Add cheese: Sprinkle the remaining cheddar evenly over the sauce. Add reserved bacon on top for extra crunch.

Bake: Bake uncovered for 18–22 minutes, until the cheese is melted and bubbling and the edges are lightly golden.

Finish and serve: Let the casserole rest 5–10 minutes to set. Top with sliced green onions. Serve with a crisp side salad or roasted broccoli.